So my 8 year old son Jack and I were at the fair today and were sitting on a curb near the pronto pup stand where we bought supper, when all of a sudden I hear this SHRIEK and……
from some hick right in front of me, and realized he was talking to the love of his life, who was staggering walking in front of him, flicking her cigarette ashes out a few feet away.
I will recollect the fight here as best as I remember…..
lets call him HEREBOY – cuz he reminded me of one of those slim little lap dogs you see at the dog shelter, two days out from being put down.
And we will call her KETTLEGIRL, because that was the first name that came to mind when I saw her….
Right before the “DAMN, WOMAN!” thang (spelt hillbilly) I thought I heard banjo music. Could all be in my head though.
HEREBOY: DAMN, WOMAN!
KETTLEGIRL: SHOVE IT, HEREBOY!
HEREBOY: What’s got you so licked? Is cuz I ain’t whatever or what-not?
KETTLEGIRL (slowing down, then turning to face him, walking up to his tall skinny tattoo-ed self): It’s what you say-id…You aint got know what I hurd you say?
HEREBOY: Damn, girl!
KETTLEGIRL: I ain’t yer girl, Hereboy…NOT NO MORE!
HEREBOY: Ahh-ight…settle down…..
KETTLEGIRL: I aint gonna not after what you say-id!
HEREBOY: Whad I say?
KETTLEGIRL: You say you wanna take a shower with Jeannie-Bob….when you never wanna take a shower with me!
HEREBOY: Damn, woman!
KETTLEGIRL: How come you aint never wanna take a shower with me HEREBOY?
HEREBOY: Fer one, you wouldn’t fit in the shower, girl…
(He was right, unless it was a very big shower area, remember…..KETTLEGIRL was my first name for her…….)
KETTLEGIRL: Screw you, HEREBOY! You say-id thats why you love me cuz there’z so much to love!
HEREBOY: An’ I ment it, KETTLEGIRL…ahh-ight? I did! I was just sayin’ I could have both you in there iz all….
KETTLEGIRL: I ain’t showerin’ with no slut like Jeannie-Bob!
(Just then Jack asks me a question)
JACK: Are they fighting?
ME: Shhhh! I’m trying to write all this down…..
(meanwhile, back to the banjo hicks)
HEREBOY: She ain’t no slut! You cay-ent call her a slut….
KETTLEGIRL: Yes I can….SLUT SLUT SLUT!
HEREBOY: Dang, girl, that’s mah sister you been talkin’ ’bout!
KETTLEGIRL: That never stopped you before….
HEREBOY: Before what? We never knew each other back then….
KETTLEGIRL: SLUT SLUT SLUT!
(the banjo music got louder as he tried to take a punch at her…..she ducked and then kicked him between his legs, leaving him all crying and hurt and what-not….)
HEREBOY: DAMN YOU WOMAN!
KETTLEGIRL (from a distance, picking up speed, headed back to the beer garden): I ain’t takin’ no shower with one of them slut sisters!
So then Jack and I finished supper, and went on our way.
Jack asked me about it later, when we were looking at rides in the Midway.
JACK: So why was that lady mad again?
ME: ‘Cuz stupid is as stupid does, Jack…….
ME: Life is like a box of chocolates..you never know which kind you’re gonna get….
JACK: What do you mean?
ME: I don’t know, Jack, but let’s go get some chicken-on-a-stick and forget about it.
And with that, we kept walking through the crowd while the banjo music played……