So Brett Favre took the Green Bay Packers to a Superbowl in the 90’s.
He also brought the MN Vikings as close as they’re gonna get for a while in a stunning season that ended against the Saints in 2010.
He also said this on a voicemail:
Jen – Hey babee….Aww…huh…uh….just got done with practice, got meetings here, in a couple more hours I’m goin’ back to the hotel to just chill, so send me a text, um, cause … uh…I’ll be in the hotel for a couple of hours … come over tonight … but uh, … but …if you, might give you my number, or … gimme a text, love to see you tonight, talk to you later – bah babee
And it is in that context that my son Jack comes home from school today talking about Jenn Sterger, the masseuse who was at the other end of the MIDWESTOLDERPARENTGUY CREEPY PHONE STALKING WHO DO I THINK I AM WAIT I AM BRETT FAVRE phonecall(s) – allegedly.
“So dad, why did Brett Favre send that lady a picture of his private parts when he was wearing his croc’s and call her?” Jack asked.
She was in the paper this morning. He must have had a friend talking about it at school today.
SO was his question: ‘Why did Brett wear his crocs while on the phone to her?’
Or was it: ‘Why did he send her pictures of his private parts and call her AFTER he put his crocs on?’
See, she said this morning in the paper she was never after any money or fame or anything.
“Jack” I said, “Is that where we keep old socks now?” I said, pointing to the top of the Xbox 360 console where he had thrown his socks and now was wondering why the game controller wasn’t receiving any signal from the said Xbox that had socks on it, which were in fact blocking the signal on the whatchamacallit.
“Huh?” Jack asked me, still trying to figure out why the G**D*** CONTROLLER WASN’T RECEIVING A SIGNAL!!!!!
I picked up the socks off the controller, he turned on his World Series of Poker game, and I started hearing the honky tonk blues music of the game…preceeded by “EA SPORTS……IT’S IN THE GAME!”
“Brett Favre did something GREAT for the VIKINGS last year, Jack.” I said. “He gave them dignity. He gave them respect.”
“Huh?” Jack asked, not missing a beat of his Xbox game, his little hands massaging the controller buttons left and right, toggling this way and that way…going all in with Texas Hold Em.
“Exactly!” I said to him. “So pick up after yourself, did you hear me?”
“Huh?” he asked.
“I said we don’t leave socks on the Xbox!” I told him.
“Yes.” he said, trailing off – his eyes still looking at and completely mesmorized by the screen.
“Do you still want to know about the Brett Favre picture to that lady?” I asked.
He looked up at me.
“Yes.” he said.
“Turn off the Xbox.” I said.
I sat down next to him on the couch.
“Ok, so he sent a picture of his private parts to that lady because he liked her.” I began.
“Why?” he asked
“Because he thought she was nice and he wanted her to be his girlfriend.” I said.
“Did you do that with mom?”
I knew what he said, but I needed a minute.
“Um, no. I just called her and asked her to go out with me.”
“Did you show her your penis?” he asked.
“Not right away.”
“When?” he asked.
“What?” I asked. Oh, I realized I said ‘not right away’ out loud. Shit!
“When did you show -” he began.
“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn’t.”
“How come he did?” Jack asked.
“Because he wanted to,um, he kind of.so….okay, so he liked her right?”
“And sometimes when guys like a girl they want to show off and take their clothes..no….actually…we, we don’t know why he did that.” I said.
“Did she like it?” he asked.
“I don’t think so.” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because she told everyone that he did that.”
“Because she didn’t want to go out with him.”
“Why didn’t she just tell him?”
“I don’t know. I guess she did, but he didn’t listen and took that picture instead. I think.”
I looked down at our area rug. Then looked back at him.
“Did you see the picture?” I asked.
“Well, it’s gone, now, but yeah, she didn’t like it.” I said.
“So Brett was wrong for doing that. Some things we need to keep private.”
“Like what?” he asked.
“Like our private.” I said. “That’s why we call them private.”
“So did Brett Favre get in trouble?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah. Totally.”
“He had to pay a fine to the NFL.”
“How much?” he asked.
“About fifty thousand.”
“Didn’t he make twenty million with the Vikings?”
“Yeah, something like that.” I said.
“So thats not alot.” he said.
“Right.” I agreed.
“So is he retired?” Jack asked.
“Yes.” I said. “Very retired.”
“Dad?” he asked.
“Can I play my World Series of Poker now?”
I looked at him, then down to his controller.
Then back up at him.
“Yep!” I said.
With that, the tv came back on, the honky tonk music began again, and balance was restored to the universe.