Infant Pain Medicine FAIL – Studies show this stuff is USELESS!

For pain due to teething....oragel type stuff works...the pink pain stuff syrup does not....from my experience
For pain due to teething….oragel type stuff works…the pink pain stuff syrup does not….from my experience

Ok so baby Dylan is teething like crazy, and it matters because the teething is keeping him awake at night while not affecting his vocal chords.

He bites, kicks, screams AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, and hits everything, as well as throws his bottle across the room. When he is like that I feel like I am in the middle of the last scene of The Exorcist – the movie about devil possession with Linda Blair. Although I should say I would freak out if he were perched in one corner of the ceiling and spewed green vomit on me. But come to think of it, he did spew green vomit on me once, after he ate a whole bunch of spinach one night. I suppose it was too rich, with butter and sauce and all.

So anyway, that oragel stuff, THAT WORKS! I’ve tested it on myself when I had my own toothache; it numbed my gums up and got rid of the pain. Dylan hates it, and chews on my finger REALLY HARD while I try to apply it. I know…they say to put some oragel on a Q-tip thing, but I dont have time for all that when he is SCREAMING IN TOTAL AGONY AND DROOLING as well. Needless to say I no longer feel pain at the end of my fingers, as all the nerve endings have been severed or damaged beyond repair. Of course I have a new party trick; I can place my fingers over a flame without feeling the heat.

All biting aside, I now use a little chesspiece (its wooden and has little teeny tiny bite marks on it from YOU-KNOW-WHO) – big enough for him not to swallow – to keep his POWERFUL LITTLE JAWS from CLAMPING SHUT ON MY FINGER, and I have success with the baby oragel.

But the pink “pain medicine” syrup that tastes and looks like bubblegum – total waste.

He NEVER gets better after that stuff.

SO the other night during – how should I describe it – HELL – I was looking for the baby oragel but remembered my wife reminded me to pick it up from the store earlier that night when I was picking up a new bag of diapers. WHile at the store, I thought to myself while holding the diapers – ‘what am I forgetting?’ – but just moved on so my wife wouldn’t get all mad about me being gone too long leaving her alone with THOSE KIDS.

I forgot the baby oragel.

So I debate. Take HELLBOY with me to the 24 hour Walgreens to get the oragel, or rely only on the infant PAIN MEDICINE – and they convince you that it works because they have an ILLUSTRATION OF A SMILING BABY – of course they couldn’t show a photo of one after giving this “medicine” because IT DOESNT WORK.

He never feels better after it. One night, I did an experiment without DYLANS knowledge, and gave him candy syrup my other son JACK had gotten in a little vial for Easter. Because Easter is about the bunny rabbit and candy, not anything else.

He went to sleep a few minutes later.

The next morning my wife asked me how I calmed Dylan down. I told her it was sheer luck, since I applied the candy syrup instead of a hit of the $10 USELESS MEDICINE…..and then SHE proceeded to chew me out for giving Dylan sugar at night – since it has the effect of keeping him up as well as – well, you know, sugar just isn’t good for “them”. I reminded her he was ALREADY UP SCREAMING.

I also said I was trying to prove a point.

She asked me who I was trying to prove it to.

I guess I didnt have that thought out clearly.

I told her we could save a lot of money not buying this stupid useless medicine.

She said we’d spend all of that savings on DENTAL CARE FOR ROTTING HIS TEETH OUT.

I told her that wasn’t the point.

SHe asked me what the point was.

I said the point was this expensive bubblegum medicine doesn’t work.

She said DON’T GIVE HIM SUGAR AT NIGHT OR ANYTIME AS A MATTER OF FACT. It turns his little body into a YEAST FACTORY or words to that effect.

SO she still uses the $10 stuff.

And so do I.

I just think I shouldnt. And thats why I AM blogging about it!

So my seventeen month old Dylan and I have a breakthrough, I thought, but then we really didn’t so I was mad and disappointed

So my 17 month old Dylan and I are walking around inside of a mall where there’s a bookstore and a Starbucks.

We get to Starbucks. I am going to have a triple tall mocha, whole milk with whip. Dylan is in his little stroller, grabbing for the mugs that are on display.

I lean down and look at him, and pull his arms away from the mugs and move his stroller back a little. He gives me that shitty look again, but then he says:

“Dadda”

I melt, so to speak. He knows me. For the first time in his midget life, he has called me “Dadda” to my face.

He gets who I am.

I am thrilled at this first validation. I’m the guy who’s going to teach him things, practice sports with him when he is older, teach him how to play video games learn things on the computer. I will help mold him to be a functioning, successful adult.

Then he says:

“Mamma”

while looking at me, followed by:

“Babba”

then

“Nanna”

Okay, so he doesn’t know me after all. Its infant jibberish. I’m also the guy who’s going to make him take out the garbage, shovel the sidewalk in the winter, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom with a toothbrush…I’m creating a list in my head as I get my drink and start downing it.

“Gagga”

he says, looking at me and smiling. I give him a ‘Minnesota nice’ smile, kind of a passive aggressive thing we do in the Midwest. He’ll get used to it.

So my seventeen month old Dylan gave me the dirtiest meanest look in the world and I am scared

So I pick up my seventeen month old Dylan and we are walking around the house, as I search for the remote control that he probably threw somewhere, like into the cat’s water bowl like he did last time (Comcast told us we had to bring the old one in before they would exchange it). Anyway, I am wearing my glasses.

Dylan always grabs at them, and its hard while he does that to have to move my face around, try to dodge him, AND keep from dropping him. Today I feel he is old enough to start getting some messages about “No”.

I might have waited too long, but I have been too tired to enforce heavy discipline on him.

Anyway, he grabs the glasses, pulls them off, and throws them up against a bookshelf. They crash and then fall to the floor.

I put him down, put his arms forcefully to his side, and say “No,no, Dylan. No,no.”

He was standing there looking up at me, and then he gave me one of those mean looks, like –

“I’ll kick your ass someday, old man. I’ll not only throw your glasses, but I’ll knock your cane out from under you and push you down the stairs. You better keep your eyes peeled, because you are f**kin’ dead.”

Okay so maybe some of that dialogue I imagine is overblown. But the look he gave me, last time I got that look, I had told my wife Kristen she had a figure like a clock.

I meant hourglass.

“A big round clock?” she asked, giving me that look scowl.

“No, a curvy hourglass.” I said, realizing my mistake.”You know? Ga-ga-ga-zoing-zoing!” I made the motions curving my hands down simulating a Marilyn Monroe figure – out at the bosom, in at the waist, out at the hips. Like the redhead on the show Mad Men.

“Va-va-va-voom!” I said. “Hourglass. Not clock.”

It was too late. She kept giving me that look vicious scowl.

And now so did my seventeen month old Dylan.

I am toast.

So My Infant Son Dylan was not pleased at Charlie Sheens performance in Detroit

So Dylan, my little boy, and I, the older parent guy that I am, have a ritual on weekend mornings. I sit him in his high chair, strap him in so he doesn’t jump out (he has – ouch), and we watch You Tube videos on the family laptop (17 inch Dell monitor).

We usually go to the Teletubbies and other tunes (Roger Miller King of the Road – he likes that a lot!), but this morning I wanted to see the unauthorized uploads of the Detroit show. Sheen was terrible, and it proves my point that being a mad ranter is a hell of a lot different than actually standing in front of a crowd who has paid money to see you, and actually expect SOMETHING.

I mean, Paul McCartney COULD sit in a chair and ramble about the Beatles, take questions, whatever, but he is (Sir) Paul McCartney.

But Charlie Sheen is a has been who had a few good roles, got fired from a tv show and thought that it was enough for the crowd to watch two chicks make out on stage, then burn a shirt.

Good performers know how to put on a show. And they practice. So when Sheen thought he could just do a whole bunch of stupid CRRRRRAAAAAZZZZEEEEEEE antics up there I knew, and everyone (Comic or other performer) else knew as well the cardinal rule:

People do not want to be ASKED what they want to see. They paid so you could take them away from their lives for a little bit and have a good time.

I’ve seen plenty of Open Mics over the years, and it’s uncomfortable to watch the trainwrecks, although I do anyway.

So Dylan is watching Sheen talk while sitting in a chair, and he gets sick of it pretty fast. He throws his banana at the screen. I clean the screen off and throw away the banana muck using a paper towel.

In the short time I was away, he had taken every piece of his mandarin orange pieces and thrown them onto the screen. WHen I get back to where he sits, he is clasping his hands and unclasping them, saying “bye-bye”.

Sorry Charlie, but you looked funny with a giant piece of orange mandarin next to your face.

I had to get to the Beatles video “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl” from the movie Help.

And now three letters on the keyboard of the family laptop no longer work.

Which means that even an infant could tell the difference between talent and some loser ranting.

Keep your day job Charlie, the theatre takes a little bit more practice. Oops.

Protected At The Beach By Sleeping Babysitter

As you can see, DYlans first babysitter is keeping him safe through her napping eyes....
Naptime at the beach….even the babysitter is tired, and she is in her early 20’s!

So this is a photo of my infant son Dylan and his first babysitter, taken at the beach one pleasant sunny summer afternoon recently.

  1. As you can see, he is safe in her attentive hands
  2. I wonder who took the picture? Not me, man……

Teething Changes Channels, Video Input Settings, And Other Things…..

Sometimes a remote is better than a teething ring
Sometimes a remote is better than a teething ring

So my youngest boy Dylan began teething, and after he lost all the teething rings, He began to creatively pick things to chew. He started with the furniture, moved to my arms, and then settled on the remote….

Which is all cool and all, except when the channels change rapidly or the volume gets turned up TO MAXIMUM LEVELS!

Awww…A new brother….I’m happy but he gets a lot of attention!

Apprehensive much? Older boy holding younger boy in hospital
Apprehensive much? Older boy holding younger boy in hospital

Yeah, I'm cool and all...
Yeah, I’m cool and all…

So my first son Jackson who is seven years old loves his little brother, but he did ask me the other day:

“You know I am still here, right?”

And I said:

“Of course we know….what’s your name again? Have you met your brother?”

So our new baby Dylan came home from the hospital today-and we are ready

Baby Dylans crib....his first night will be behind bars...
Baby Dylans crib….his first night will be behind bars…

Dylan was born through a C section on Friday October 23, 2009, at 1pm (thanks doc)……EZr to plan for it actually. As you can see, we are ready for him, and are preparing to place him behind bars…

Baby Dylans crib….his first night will be behind bars…