9 Days before Equinox when the day gets longer and some big mouth know it all corrects my grammar while I am with my kids how DARE SHE?!

 

Jack and Dylan Sledding
Sledding or Sliding
I have unsolicited advice for you
I have unsolicited advice for you

 

So I am with my kids on a snow day and my 10 year old comes up the hill with his little brother and says “Sliding is cool with Dylan, dad!” to which I say “Sliding is FUN!” to which some lady who I will call Lucy Fuzzy Winkle Fuss Budget says:

“Actually, it’s sledding.”

followed by:

“You don’t want your kids to do poorly in grammar.”

accompanied by:

A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MINNESOTA NICE SMILE.

And I could sense she wasn’t joking, cuz she then said, with all her white teeth shining at me, the following:

“I’m not joking.”

“Okay.” I say to her, to shake off her shitty vibe. (I got an online exorcism later. $15 bucks well spent, I’d say.)

“Can we slide some more dad? Jackson asks.

“Yay..sliding…sliding…sliding!” says three year old Dylan.

“Sure.” I say, then look at her.

She is busy watching her own grand-nieces (probably), who appear to be SLIDING…..although maybe she is actually focusing on how much salt she should add to that Christmas dish she promised to bring to her mothers nursing home and why she has to be the family martyr since her brother, a total slob mind you, never calls unless he needs money.

Some people, man.

London Opening Ceremony Filled with Glee and SMOKE STACKS?????? WHAHAHAHA?

 

Mans Achievements celebrated by showing smokestacks and pollution at the London Olympics 2012 opening ceremony
Mans Achievements celebrated by showing smokestacks and pollution at the London Olympics 2012 opening ceremony

So anyway, 9 year old Jackson, 2 year old Dylan, mom and I are watching the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics in London.

I take that back. Dylan is taking the chewed gum out of his mouth and throwing it at the television.

Anyway, London puts on a great show, and suddenly I realize from below the ground in the stadium rise a bunch of industrial sized smoke stacks – and as they rise, they billow smoke (dry ice, I guess) meant to represent coal, ash, and other industrial toxins the first world created and that were inhaled by Ebenezer Scrooge, Oliver Twist and the Artful Dodger, and some real people, too, back in the day of the dawn of the 20th century.

“What’s that?” Jack asks.

“Smoke stacks.” I say.

“Why do they have smoke stacks?”

“To celebrate human achievement” I say. “”Lung cancer, unsafe working conditions, child labor -”

“What’s child labor?” he asks.

“Black lung – child labor is what you do for your allowance.”

“Is that bad?”

“Not to me.” I say.

“What did they do in Beijing in two thousand and eight?”

“They showed defectors and dissidents. They had this guy standing in front of a tank holding a flower.”

“Huh.” Jack says, digesting the moment.

 

2008 Chinese Olympics Opening Ceremony
2008 Chinese Olympics Opening Ceremony

Reille Hunter is a Narcissist and Jon Edwards is an Idiot and other lessons I taught my kids this week

I'm just an average fame whore looking for no attention-wait, is that my crotch?
I’m just an average fame whore looking for no attention which is why I just did a provocative magazine spread

 

So Reille Hunter is quoted as saying she wants her privacy back.

Which is why she wrote the Memoir entitled:

“What Really Happened: Jon Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me”

Sources who were inside the Hunter camp when she typed out the original manuscript on her iPhone have said the original title was:

“Confessions Of A Fame Whore: Mean Elizabeth Could’ve Lived And I’d Still Have My Hottie Jon-Jon Cuz She Made Him Feel Bad About Himself And I Played Into His Vanity – Did I Mention He Is A Hottie?”

but the publisher decided that would be too provocative. And too long for the attention span of the average American reader.

What was I talking about again?

Oh, yeah…..this….

So, anyway, she was being interviewed AGAINST HER WILL – OF COURSE on some show like Dateline or TMZ or something, and my 2 boys, ages 9 and 2, were in the livingroom with me while I was watching it.

I was laughing and my 9 year old, Jackson, asked why.

Me: Because she’s an idiot.

Jackson: Why?

Me: I don’t know why. She was born that way maybe. But I think you mean why do I think she is an idiot, in that , you mean to ask what is it that she is doing that makes her an idiot, correct?

Jackson: Yeah. Something like that.

(bloggers note: My other son, 2 year old Dylan, is kicking a soccer ball all over the livingroom, knocking over a lamp and then pulling all the clean yet unfolded clothes out of the laundry basket that I haven’t put away and throwing them all over the house. He is rowdy, and I am too tired as a midwest older parent guy to do anything about it.)

Me: She says she doesn’t want any attention on her, but then writes a book and tells everyone about herself.

Jackson laughs.

Me: It’s like ‘Hi….I don’t want you to pay attention to me, so I am gonna go on tv and tell you not to pay attention to me….I am gonna tell everyone not to pay attention to me…are you paying attention to me and what I am saying?’

Jackson laughs. Good audience, I note.

Me: So don’t be like that.

Jackson: Ok. What did she do?

Me: She had a baby.

Jackson: That’s it?

Me: Yep.

Help me if you can I'm feelin' dow...how, hown...
Help me if you can I’m feelin’ dow…how, hown…

Even the Iceman was Lactose Intolerant AND had Heart Disease, So I Think ‘WTF’ and Finish my Dish of Chocolate Ice Cream

 

God he totally looks like this guy who works at our local co-op...a real stoner...except this prehistoric guy here used rocks to get stoned and to stone animals and various prey.
This is a rendering of what we think the Iceman looked like…..God he totally looks like this guy who works at our local co-op…a real stoner…except this prehistoric guy here used rocks to get stoned and to stone animals and various prey.
Kris the Iceman Cometh
Kris the Iceman Cometh

ALERT: HEY KRIS KRISTOFFERSON – THE STONE AGE CALLED – IT WANTS IT’S HEMP SHIRT BACK!

So there’s this Iceman that scientists have found recently.

They named him Oetzi (pronounced: Fred Flint-stone)

Evidently he was lactose intolerant (I guess they poured milk all over his stomach cavity and he didn’t digest it)

….but what catches my attention while I read this very interesting article is that HE HAD HEART DISEASE!!!!

I believe he did not eat refined foods. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol.

He chased or was chased by animals, and he ate plants and animals after he hit the said animals over the head (while they were napping).

So all the dieticians today are wrong…wrong…WRONG!

And it feels kind of prehistoric to eat the Haagen Dazs ice cream pint from beginning to end.

Of course, the subtext is that they found this Iceman guy cuz the ice MELTED enough for him to be found. (global warming??)

Also, he had brown hair and eyes, they have discovered in their analysis.

And he liked long walks by the lake as well as quiet evenings at home (i.e. – in the cave where he could show off his drawings on the cave walls of bison with stick icemen chasing them).

Yeah, life was tough for these people, people!

Price Gouging At The Movies

 

Stick-em-up-fella!
Stick-em-up-fella!

So my nine year old son and I go to see the movie “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”

Kind of weird, I don’t remember a “Journey 1” but I guess (thru imdb) that it refers to:

Journey to the Center of the Earth – a 2008 3D adventure film starring Brendan Fraser

Also, I thought it was “Journey To The Mysterious Island” which it is not.

Anyway, we get to the theatre for a matinee…still running at $6.50 even though we are – I look around – the only people there….

OK, so at the ticket counter the lady behind the thick bullet proof glass speaks thru her microphone…”Three or Two Dee?”

My nine year old son who is terminally shy and quiet pipes up with –

THREE DEE…THREE DEE….DAD…..THREE DEE…..

I hear –

MAYDAY….MAYDAY….MAYDAY…..

….Because I am about to be gouged for the first time that day, excluding when I filled up my gas tank of my 2010 Chevrolet Impala with Sirius XM radio

Before I can say

NO

She sells me 2 tickets to the 3D Matinee, $14 each.

G-O-U-G-E………O-U-C-H

I put out a contract on her in my imagination

Garroting, like what happened to Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

‘You will sleep with the fishes’ I think as I give her one last unapproving stare, the kind my dad used to give me when I asked him the difference between a slotted and a phillips screwdriver.

and my son and I move into the theatre lobby. We are conveniently roped toward the concessions, and of course my never-met-a-piece-of-candy-he-didn’t-like son runs up and orders.

Let’s see, how can I explain what happened next?

Alright-got it-:

So it’s 1932, I am a teller at a small Midwestern Bank. I wear a white and black vertical striped shirt and wear a visor on my head.

The bank manager is puffing on his cigar in his office. His name is Mr. Peterpepper.

I am happy to have a job in this crummy small Midwestern town.

Suddenly, Ma Barker comes in. She points a Tommy Gun right in my face. She yells: STICK EM UP – FELLA!

And I give her all the money without a fight.

Mr. Peterpepper has a wet spot in the front of his pants when he comes out from under his desk.

That’s kind of how I felt when my son got a bag of Skittles, a hot dog, and a small Sprite. I got a soft pretzel and a small Diet Coke.

Thirty bucks later we are in the movie.

Jack eats the Skittles and says he’s not hungry for the hotdog anymore. He doesn’t like how it tastes.

Surprise….the hotdog had been revolving on this meat turning machine I think since the night before and it was all shriveled up – looking like an Egyptian Mummy’s male part, if you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever seen one.

Ninety eight fun filled minutes later we leave the theatre.

“It wasn’t that good” Jackson says.

I give him a look like my dad gives me now when he doesn’t wear his hearing aid…less shame…more ‘Huh?’

GREEN PEA SOUP FLU BUG – HELP I’M TRAPPED IN A SICK HOUSE

This color and texture are gross to me now...
This color and texture are gross to me now…

The above highlights the color of my hardwood floor, my kitchen tiles, my bathtub edge, a couple of blankets, some shirts, pants, the tips of my workshoes and my little boys hair…….

ANd so in a state of older parenting panic, I offer this verse:

All the children are vomiting all thru the home……

I’m looking for answers on Google Chrome….

LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!!!! HERE COMES SOME MORE!!

OH! DYLAN OH JACKSON…ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!!

It doesn’t last forever, and this thing is true…..

…..DONT TOUCH THOSE LITTLE KIDS OR YOU’LL GET THE FLU TOO!!!!

Wife asks for validation on how she looks – I tell her that her body is SHAPED LIKE A CLOCK…… I meant HOURGLASS….OOPS!

notice the curves on the hourglass
notice the curves on the hourglass

Make sure you get it right when describing your wife’s figure……….or you might get hit with a metallic sled ornament with sharp edges on it.
Tactical error on one of those half listening to things where I am watching television and she is on Frontierville or some VILLE BY ZYNGA…..and we nod and grunt at each other,
but this time she asks a question (must have read one of the blogs of the Real Housewives of MENOPAUSE MANOR) that mattered. I did not pay attention as usual for once and dodged a Christmas tree ornament (A little METAL SLED WITH SHARP EDGES) after I said what I said, and then after that I followed what I said with “We should take the tree down.”
Which also didn’t go over well.
And I said –
“What? It’s like mid January. We have to put up our Presidents Day ornaments!”
We have a JFK in a black convertible limo toy car we place on a coffee table in the livingroom..
its one where JFK is leaning forward after he has his head blown off and it has a little ‘Jackie O’ doll dressed in pink that is leaning over him –
– you used to push a button on the top of the limo and hear four shots –
…I know, but I think one came from the grassy knoll – but ever since two year old Dylan found it last year, it hasn’t worked. Which sucks.
Anyway, note to self….PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WIVES PEOPLE!!!!

Guy dressed in black walks across the street this morning in the dark and gives me the finger after almost becoming a hood ornament

Can you see the pedestrian walking around before sunrise? NEITHER CAN I !!
Can you see the pedestrian walking around before sunrise? NEITHER CAN I !!

So I’m like celebrating the winter equinox cuz it means that the days now will get longer, but I am driving west at 6:28am to work and it is PITCH BLACK…

…not that it stopped some numb nuts guy from crossing the road during HIS morning hike around lake CALHOUN.

He had on a black knit hat, black jacket black pants and let’s see…umm…oh yeah…his boots were black also. And he had black gloves on.

I observed this later.

Like I said….numb nuts.

I drive around the lake as part of my pleasant morning drive to work.

Anyway, so this guy JAYWALKS across the street right where its the darkest – on his way back to his BLACK SEDAN and I almost hit him.

I slammed on the brakes of my 2010 Chevrolet Impala with Sirius XM radio….I listen to POTUS (Politics Of The United States) radio in the morning, channel 124.

He jumped out of my way and stood against his back on his very dark car –

and gives me the finger.

THE FINGER!

And I rolled down my power window and asked “WHAT?”

“YOU COULD’VE KILLED ME!” he said all mad-like.

“EXACTLY!” I say…”They already killed Bin Laden….so go home Sergeant BLACK OPS!”

“DUCK YOU!” He said.

Except it wasn’t the word ‘DUCK’ that he used.

“YOU’RE WELCOME!” I yelled back at him, thinking how lucky he was to be alive.

Of course, I was lucky, too.

If I would’ve hit him, I would have been late for work.

Some people.

Anna Nicole Smith And Older Parenting

All the hallmarks of a successful marriage (one of them will be dead before the tree dries up)...MERRY CHRISTMAS...Oh Daddy...was it like this when Jesus was born? Cuz like...you were there, right?
All the hallmarks of a successful marriage (one of them will be dead before the tree dries up)…MERRY CHRISTMAS…Oh Daddy…was it like this when Jesus was born? Cuz like…you were there, right?

 

So my son asked me how old I was going to be when he turned 18 (60 years old, btw….67 for the other boy, my youngest) and I immediately thought of former living person Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole Smith – was, as you know, married (her second marriage btw-I guess the first guy was too young) to oil business mogul and non-mobile feeb J. Howard Marshall, 62 years her senior.

People speculated that she married him for his money, which she denied, because why would a silicone bimbo with no means of income want to be with a rich guy who has dirt on his one foot that is in the grave?

After he deep sixed, she sued his estate to get all of his cash, but then she died on February 8, 2007 in a Hollywood, Florida hotel room as a result of an overdose of prescription drugs.

James Howard Marshall II was an American businessman, university professor, attorney, federal government official, and feeb husband to Anna Nicole Smith during the last 14 months of his life. His estate became the subject of protracted litigation because Anna wanted her dead sugar daddy’s money to support her lavish lifestyle. His life spanned MORE than nine decades and almost the entire history of the oil industry. That’s a lot!

When he was born, the dinosaurs were still decomposing.

And he was born in Pennsylvania a long time ago (hint: The United States were still referred to as “The Colonies”), almost right after the first Thanksgiving, and he attended a private high school and then studied liberal arts at some old college, graduating in 1926…NINETEEN TWENTY SIX!!!!!

He graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale Law School in 1931…

Then he was an Assistant Dean at Yale Law School and at the same time, he got a scholarship as a member of the …legal realist school of thought (huh?), and helped write an article entitled A Factual Study of Bankruptcy Administration and Some Suggestions (ie major dork)..then he became the Assistant Solicitor at the Department of Interior and authored the Connally Hot Oil Act of 1935……

BLAH BLAH BLAH ACHIEVEMENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND SUCCESS…..

He was married a few times and enjoyed lemonade with his petticoat dressed parasol carrying wives, strolling with them down Main Street hand in hand while listening to barbershop quartets singing “On Moonlight Bay” and “Sweet Adeline”. But in 1994, at the age of 89, he married 26-year-old model Anna Nicole Smith. Their marriage lasted fourteen months until his death.

Marshall died of natural causes (defined as: a naturally feathered down pillow found naturally stuffed down his throat, complete with nipple and breast marks obviously caused by some naturally hard silicone like substance pressing against it) in Houston, Texas on August 4, 1995.

Following Marshall’s death, Anna Nicole Smith (who died on February 8, 2007) became involved in a court battle with her former stepson, another older guy named E. Pierce Marshall (who died on June 20, 2006).

Everyone is dead now.

So what kind of a dad would he have been to his kids had he lived?

A SLOW MOVING ONE

….let me call you sweetheart **

**the above words sung under the light of the moon at the turn of the 1900’s, at a carnival with some guys and gals, eating popcorn and saying words like GOLLY!

Biofeedback infrared photo reveals I am possessed by an outside entity!!

Who is that trying to get inside me?
Who is that trying to get inside me?

 

CLICK ON ABOVE PHOTO TO ZOOM IN ON IT…..

So I am recovering from gallbladder surgery and went to my person who does massage therapy and biofeedback readings off my body.

I hadn’t told her about the gallbladder surgery yet. This point is important because –
– as soon as she hooked me up to the equipment she went:

“WHOA!”

and then asked me this question:

“Where have you been lately?”

and then I asked:
“Why?”

then she said:
“Cuz it looks like there is an angry entity that has entered your body…”

I said:
“I was at the hospital in the ER then I went to surgery for emergency gallbladder removal. I had stones and stuff.”

She said:
“That makes sense. Sometimes in the ER, when someone dies, especially in a trauma, they are lost and try to regain entrance into another persons body. This spirit is angry, that’s why he is RED.”

Then she showed me the above image….

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE IS A PERSON TRYING TO ENTER MY BODY THROUGH MY GALLBLADDER!!!!